We get it. Coffee shops can be intimidating. People in coffee shops can be judgmental. Definitely not us, of course. But people. Because we are nothing if not helpful, we thought we'd help you out with a little list.
Here are a few things not to do. Ten things, actually:
10. Take up a four-top when there's only one of you. We understand; you've got a lot of papers and books. It's nice to spread out. Maybe when you got here at 6am and ordered your Americano, there was no one else around. But now it's 7pm and I need a place to sit with my friends. Go sit at the bar or find a friend.
9. Hog the outlets. The laptop announcing that it is "now operating on reserve battery power" is not the time for messing around. One must find a power source immediately. People get very angry if you prevent this. Do you want to be the reason someone drove all the way to a coffee shop to get away from their roommate and get work done only to find out their computer is dead and NOT be able to find an available outlet so they have to drive home in the rain (it's now raining) and crank out a paper while the aforementioned roommate is blaring The Bachelorette in the living room? No. You don't want that on your conscience. So be kind,
rewind stick to a 30 minute charging limit.
8. Play music from your laptop without your headphones in. This happens a lot more often than you'd think.
7. Bring small, wild children. Constantly use the phrase, "Mommy's talking right now." Don't see that your children are making faces at and telling family secrets to everyone trying to write the next Great American Novel. Congratulations, "Aiden" and "Sophie" are now prominent antagonists in the next Great American Novel.
6. Make out. SOME OF US are trying to have a conversation but can't because we are too distracted by your slurping noises and pure determination to eat each other's faces. I mean, call us crazy but it's hard to look away from that. Either tone it down a notch or find a car or an alleyway. Just don't do it here.
5. Argue with someone via bluetooth. Or just talk to someone via bluetooth. It's unnerving when you're sitting alone at your table, facing me as I write.
4. Forget the name you used and your order, so they have to yell "Skinny Caramel Latte No Whip!!" 47 times from the counter. The other people waiting nearby will grow restless and irritated, and you don't want to anger a group of people who have not had their coffee yet.
3. Make small talk with the barista. They don't want to tell you what their tattoo means or how they like Nashville or why they chose to dye their hair blue. Plus, you're holding up the line. Just tip them and move on. A tip is worth 1000 words.
2. Ask what a latte is. We have Google; you probably have it on your phone. Look up basic coffee drinks before you get to the counter.
And the number one thing not to do in a coffee shop...
1. Camp out all day and not buy anything. We didn't know people actually would do this legitimately, but our legit barista source has confirmed that this is a thing that happens on the regular. We know you don't have an office because you're like a freelance music therapist for inner city adults or something, but wifi and table space ain't free. Get to steppin' or buy a latte. Or three.
What's your least favorite thing people do at coffee shops?